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20October2019

Intimacy4us

Are you spouses or just roommates?

A good marriage is built on a foundation of friendship. And even though this is a crucial aspect of any relationship, what happens when you realise that you have become better roommates as opposed to husband and wife?

How does this happen?

The house is filled to the brim and bills are heaping-up. The amount of time and energy being spent on responsibilities means that your intimacy levels pay the ultimate price. They start taking their marriage for granted and believe that love is enough to “pull them through”. When this happens, the couple is no longer communicating – they just tick the necessary items on the to-do list. And before you know it, they are like ships passing in the night.

How do you know when you are entering dangerous territory?

1. You use the children as an excuse. There just isn’t ever any time for hub, because you are busy with the children and their activities require all your attention. You are incredibly busy and believe there will be time for your husband again – one day when the children are all grown up.
2. You don’t spend time together. Roommates are of the opinion that they don’t need to spend time together as they already see each other at home. That is why you make turn to babysit – him so that you can attend your book club get together. And you so that he can go out and enjoy a boys night.
3. You keep your hands to yourself. Yes, roommates don’t touch each other. They don’t hug, they don’t kiss and they don’t hold hands. This may be because you feel like you need a break from the tugging and grabbing of the kids all day long i.e. some personal space . . .
4. You no longer sleep in the same bed. Maybe you are sharing your bed with your little princess. Or hubby is sleeping with Shaggy the house pet. Roommates don’t sleep together and whatever your reason may be (he snores, it’s too hot), this spells trouble.

What to do

• Be realistic. Wonderful sex is on the cards for you, but all-nighters may be slightly idealistic considering that your toddler will most likely crawl into your room three times tonight and hubby has to deliver an important presentation tomorrow morning.
• Schedule sex. See how the day progresses and make sex happen! It may not always be swinging-at-the-chandelier sex, but don’t stop doing it. Talk about it and decide to make time for sex. Sex is not optional.
• Work on creating intimacy. Tell each other things which you would only share exclusively with one another. A marriage focuses on unity between a man and a woman. If one or both of you share your most intimate thoughts and dreams with someone outside of the marriage, then that intimacy loses its sense of worth or value.
You can be best friends and super comfortable with each other, but what distinguishes your relationship with hubby and with those with friends is that deeper intimacy that is only meant for husband and wife. It is therefore important to live consciously to ensure that your spouse feels like more than just a roommate.

Article by Annelize Steyn