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17July2019

Intimacy4us

“I desire a child, but . . .” continued

If you currently find yourself in a situation as detailed in the first part of this article...

• Talk about the advantages and disadvantages of having children.
• Babysit your friends’ children to see whether you would indeed cope. You or your husband could have a change of heart overnight!
• Seek therapy to not only help you process and work through the stress that such a decision can place on your marriage, but to also minimise said stress.
• Pray about it and through faith believe that God will show you what path to follow as a couple.
• Work hard at respecting and understanding your partner’s opinion/s.
• Clearly understand why you either advocate the idea of children or reject it all together. There could be an underlying reason why you so strongly experience either of the aforementioned feelings or emotions.
• What do you expect from life? If a child represents unity and companionship between you and your spouse, perhaps there are other ways to fulfil such needs or desires.

How to prevent such a situation:

• Talk about whether you want children or not. Discuss the possibility that one of you could very well have a change of heart in the future. How will you deal with such a scenario and what action steps will you take should this happen?
• Know what you want from life and be honest about it.
• Before the nuptials, ensure that your spouse has the same ideals and values as you do.
• Before getting married be sure to work through all your baggage from the past.
• Invest in premarital counselling. Most marital problems come to the fore because couples did not commit to such counselling. You need at least five weeks of counselling to work through all aspects of a marriage. This includes both of you as a family and what that means to each of you.
• If your spouse does not want to have children before getting married, the chances of him changing his mind is highly unlikely. If this is something you cannot accept, it may be best for the both of you to seriously reconsider the relationship.
• Ensure that both of you are equally satisfied and comfortable with your final decision.

Having children is a big decision. It affects every aspect of your life and changes it forever, but at the same time enriches your life in a manner that is incomprehensible beforehand. It is without a doubt a challenge if you cannot agree on your future together, as such a decision will determine several outcomes of your life. If you are uncertain about your spouse’s feelings speak to him about it. Know their heart before you say “yes”.